Holidays and Hangovers

Holidays are a time for many to celebrate with toasts of champagne, eggnog and other alcoholic beverages. A hot coffee with choice of flavored liqueurs. Mimosas in the morning. Mulled wines, hot ciders and toddies. I could go on and on with the different holiday beverages but that's not really the point I'm trying to get to.

My point is, this year is the first holiday season where I've been sober. It's left me feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin. I go to meetings but it doesn't seem to be having any kind of calming effect on me. I feel like I'm floundering, I don't seem to have a very good anchor point right now. I don't feel settled in my home environment. I don't feel settled in my new job, for obvious reasons. Come on, it's new. Duh. I just don't feel settled, period.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not unhappy, perse, I'm just feeling adrift. I hope it ebbs after the holidays.

Working In A Coal Mine

Ok, so it's not a coal mine but I got a job! Finally! I've been unemployed for a year and a half so I'm extremely excited to be joining the work force once again. The only downside to this is the fact I won't be able to make my home meetings on Wednesdays anymore. This saddens me but I am so grateful for those ladies in my life and I'm so humbled by them. It was the very first meeting I walked into when I decided to get sober and it's where I met my sponsor. Time to look for more evening meetings.

THE RULES FOR BEING HUMAN

My professor sent this to me and I'd like to share it with you:


When you were born, you didn’t come with an owner’s manual; you had to learn the rules the hard way. These rules are intended to help make your life easier.

YOU WILL RECEIVE A BODY. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around. It is the only thing you really own or are guaranteed to keep for your whole life.

YOU WILL LEARN LESSONS. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called “Life on Planet Earth.” Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant or stupid.

THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, ONLY LESSONS. Growth is a process of experimentation – trial and error. The so-called “failed experiments” are as much a part of the growth process as the experiment that ultimately “works.”

A LESSON WILL BE REPEATED UNTIL LEARNED. It will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you’ve learned it, you then go on to the next lesson. If you don’t learn the easy lessons, they become harder. You will know you’ve learned a lesson when your actions change.

LEARNING LESSONS DOES NOT END. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. Every person, every incident is the Universal Teacher. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned and your life is eternal.

“THERE” IS NO BETTER THAN “HERE.” Nothing leads to happiness. When your “THERE” has become a “HERE,” you will simply obtain another “there” that again looks better than “here.”

OTHERS ARE MERELY MIRRORS OF YOU. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate in yourself.

WHAT YOU CREATE OF YOUR LIFE IS UP TO YOU. You have all the tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. There are three kinds of people. Those that make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened. Take charge of your life or someone else will.

YOUR ANSWERS ARE INSIDE YOU. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

YOU WILL TEND TO FORGET ALL THIS.

- Dan Millman, The Peaceful Warrior

Moved In and Connected

Finally! We've been in the process of moving and trying to find a place for everything we've accumulated in the last few years from a 2 room to a 1 room place. On top of all that, we've had cable issues and I was sick for almost a month. Add a torn ligament in my hip as the cherry and you have one craptastic sundae.

Class is almost over and I do believe I'm going to be able to hold steady to my 4.0 GPA. I've really enjoyed this professor and I'm sad to see it come to an end for now. I can't afford Spring sessions and I really need to focus all my time on finding a job and getting my ass to meetings.

That's been hard as well without any money as it hinders my ability to get gas to make it to meetings. I hit my 4 month mark on Dec. 5th. Yay and boo. Yay for staying with it for 4 months, the longest I've ever gone in my drinking career without a drink. Boo because I really really wanted one during the stress of the move and the consequent depression that came along with having to move out of the place we called home for 3 years. It would've been so much worse trying to make these life changes if I'd been drinking though and for that I'm grateful to have my sobriety.

Still Sick. Not Fun.

So, here it is, over a week later and I'm still sick. I haven't been to a meeting in over a week and it's driving me crazy. I don't want to spread my germs though and I don't want to be coughing through the whole meeting, interrupting people's shares. I really wish this would pass so I could get to feeling better again.

This Is Getting Old

I got another "thanks but no thanks" email. They loved me but not enough to hire me. F my life. The only thing positive that I can take from this is that I'm sober and can actually deal with it. Doesn't make it any more palatable though.

I Am Sick. We Are Moving.

So, I never heard back from either interview and cannot bank on it. We did, however, manage to get the one bedroom apt we were looking at and that's a good thing. I'm going to miss this place though, it's been a real home. We have 5 days do get everything packed and 5 days to move everything out. Whee. Ugh.

I'm also in the grip of a hellacious cold. I just sneezed and I think I pinched something in my neck. Ow. Ow. Ow. Through all the turmoil, no drink. That's a blessing in and of itself. I will now crawl back into the cave of covers from whence I came.

A Small Ray of Hope

I've been on two interviews this week. This has given me a glimmer of hope that our living situation will not have to change and my home will stay my home. For someone who's not supposed to make any drastic changes in the first year of sobriety, I'm sure having to make a lot of them regardless.

I know I'm not cured and things will not change overnight but I'm learning, slowly but surely, to trust in my higher power and need to believe that right now I'm where I'm supposed to be. No one said I had to like it, only that I had to go through it. Without a drink.

I'm exhausted, I do believe I'll try to get some sleep now. Hopefully, this will be a good night's rest as the last several have been less then restorative.

We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Alcoholics Anonymous - pg. 85

Is This Thing On?

I hate not having control. HATE IT! I keep praying. Not for patience because I have been shown over and over again what comes with that answered prayer. I pray for my ears and eyes to be open for the signs that are being given to me. I pray for a still tongue when I feel I'll say something untoward. I pray for another day without breaking down and taking that first drink. I say a prayer of thanks every night for another day sober.

I'd just really like for my life to be a little less stress filled and a little more peaceful. Please, Lord, can I have some stability back in my life?

Know God; know peace.
No God; no peace.

Will You Sponsor Me?

No, I'm not doing a walk-a-thon. I'm talking about A.A. sponsorship.

When you come into the rooms of A.A. they tell you over and over to get a sponsor and work the steps. I knew from my mom's own involvement in the program that sponsorship is crucial. Within the first 2 weeks of my sobriety I got myself a sponsor. She was a nice enough lady but there just wasn't a connection with her. We tried to work together for awhile but we just couldn't really mesh. I prayed about finding the right sponsor for me and heard in my heart, "listen." So, I did. I listened to other women share their stories in my home meeting and others. I watched how they interacted with others. And one day, I just knew I'd found her, my sponsor.

There were so many parallels between us, so many commonalities. She was also nurturing, supportive and had a great sense of humor. She had what I wanted in her sobriety and so, I asked those 5 words that open us up to all the vulnerability many of us so desperately fear will bring on rejection, "Will you be my sponsor?" I didn't have to wait for a reply, "Yes, of course I'll be your sponsor!" What a relief! What a blessing!

In just a couple of weeks, we've been able to work up to Step 4. This one's a bit slow going but we've accomplished more together in less time than I was in the whole time I was with my first sponsor. I respect her, enjoy her company and coming to love her. Just one more great gift I've been given in my path of sobriety.

They Say Not to Make Any Major Decisions

In AA, they advise a newcomer not to make any major decisions for at least a year. Now, while that's fantastic in theory, in practicality, it doesn't always work.

When I took my blinders off, I was already enrolled for college courses, actively looking for a job and trying to repair my relationship. I'm still in college, I still don't have a job and we're still working on our relationship. Now, we're having to move on top of everything because we need to cut costs somewhere and rent is a huge one.

I'm looking at a place today that has one less bedroom but has upgrades to everything, including a dishwasher, built in microwave, granite countertops, stainless steel appliances AND a stacked washer/dryer. The rent will be $300 dollars less and they allow pets. Not only that but the property has a pool and a workout room.

So, while this is a major change, it does seem that it could very well be a positive one. Today is a positive day. How can it not be? I've chosen not to drink for today. I'll leave you, dear readers, with the following Daily Reflection.

Taking Action - One of the most important things A.A. has given me, in addition to freedom from booze, is the ability to "take right action." It says the promises will always materialize if I work for them. Fantasizing about them, debating them, preaching about them and faking them just won't work. I'll remain a miserable, rationalizing dry drunk.By taking action and working the Twelve Steps in all my affairs, I'll have a life beyond my wildest dreams. - Page 54

Stressors-Apt Hunting, Job Hunting and the Hunt for Pain Relief

So, still no job but I did have an interview last Friday. I know it went well but there are so many people out of work right now, there's bound to be at least a couple others that interviewed well.

Because of the lack of income, we're searching for apts. to downsize into. Either they're run down, too small, out of our price range or don't take pets. I know we're going to have to compromise on something but dang it, I don't want to. If we have to move, I want all my needs to be met. Bleh.

I've been having a lot of fibro flare-ups lately and I'm sure they're due to the crazy amounts of stress I've been under. My doc wants me on a particular med but there's no way I can afford 40 a month and that's AFTER co-pay. I did go and get a massage yesterday to see if I could get a little relief but,while relaxing, didn't really help.

I also didn't get more than one meeting in this week and that's a bad thing. I need at least 3 a week to keep my tank full. This week I'll make sure to hit at least 3 if not more.

90 Day Token

I took my 90 day token yesterday at my home meeting. My sponsor presented it to me and my mom was there to share in the day. There were so many tokens given yesterday, it was incredible. 30, 60, 90s and one 6 year. So much sobriety within those 4 walls. So much hope, gratitude and support. My worst day sober is still infinitely better than my best day drunk and for that reason alone, I have the strength and the courage to stay sober another day.

Running Into Your Ex: AWKWARD!

Frank and I went to the market yesterday to pick up some stuff for dinner. We walked in the door and almost immediately came face to face with Bud. That jerk was just standing there, all dressed in blue and silver, looking all enticing. I whispered, "I miss you." as we walked by and Frank responded, "No you don't." and steered me away and into the vegetable section. We headed down another aisle and there he was again! Damn, he's persistent! I looked straight at him and told him off, "I'm over you, Bud! Leave me alone!" And I walked away with a haughty little swish and a toss of my hair. Hrmph. Take that!

What Is This Feeling?!

Omg, I'm in a good mood!! Like, seriously! Not an ok mood. Not a decent mood. I'm in a seriously good mood! I'm dancing, singing, being silly, smiling, and laughing. Can I get a hallelujah? No? Ok, a YAY will work too!

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

- First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes

When To Say When

I had my last drink on August 4th, 2009. To the best of my recollection, it was at 10:30pm. I don't think I ever blogged that. My 90 days is this coming Monday. I never thought I'd see the day that I'd go 90 consecutive days without an alcoholic beverage of any kind. Go me!

If They Can Do It, So Can I

If others in the program have been able to go through things such as death, bankruptcy, homelessness, etc. and not take a drink, so can I. Today was one of those days where if I stayed in the house one more minute instead of hitting a meeting, I'd have torn this place apart looking for the booze my boyfriend keeps hidden. He's a normie and can go months without a drop. He does not self medicate, he does not need to have a drink when shit hits the fan. I, on the other hand, am having to learn how to deal with life on life's terms. So, instead, I hit a meeting, shared a burning desire, then came home and slept. It's all about actually dealing with things instead of stuffing them down deep in that hole and topping it off with booze to cap it.

Financial reasons set me into a tailspin but no amount of money is worth losing my sobriety over. As an alcoholic, I can stop drinking but that's not enough, I want to be sober. I want to stay sober. One day at a time.

Working My Way Back To Balance, One Giggle At A Time

The last few weeks have been really hard for me. So many things causing upset within me and around me. But today I giggled. I giggled and it felt so good. A true giggle, not a "heh", not a snide snicker but a true, mirthful giggle. Sometimes it's the smallest things that make me feel human again. Today was a good day.

Cranky McCrankster

I've changed my name for the day. I'm cranky as can be and while I don't have a desire to drink, I do have a desire to crawl out of my skin or do that transcendental meditation thing to take myself out of my body for just a bit. Feeling all sorts of meh and can't be arsed to go anywhere or do anything other than mold myself into the couch. I'm tired as hell and it's only 7:30pm

Nothing Grows In the Dark

I kept many parts of myself in the dark for so long, never letting them see the light of day. I didn't want to bring them into the light, it was safer in the dark. Safer for who? I'm not sure, really. Safer for those that thought they knew me? Safer for myself so as not to allow the negative parts of myself to grow? All I know is that, just for today, I choose to let the light in. Controlled growth. If I flood myself with light, surely I'll be overwhelmed and the brilliance will scorch the newly fledged sprouts of understanding that have only begun to break through the surface.

"We will want the good that is in us all, even in the worst of us, to flower and to grow." - As Bill Sees It pg. 10

The Inner Child and the Temper Tantrums

Good lord but my inner child has been having a fit lately. The harder things get in my life, the more that kid wants a drink. She doesn't want to feel the pain, anger, resentments and feeling of worthlessness. She doesn't want to be told, "No." All she wants is for all these things to go away, to hide in the veil of numbness. If she can't feel it, it's not real, right? Wrong.

It's still there, all of it, 30 years of bottled up and tamped down emotions and thoughts. Abandonment issues, self-worth issues, all the inadequacies from all the years that were never dealt with are coming to the surface and she's scared shitless. My alcoholism is like a shitty diaper, it stinks but it's warm and familiar and it's mine. I know it needs to be changed but I don't want the cold air to hit my ass.

It took years for the emotional wreckage to build up, I can't expect it to be taken care of overnight and yet that's exactly what I want. The only instant gratification I've ever been able to attain is the first swig of that cold elixir and that, little girl, is no longer an option.

I was told to visualize holding that little girl in my arms and reassure her that I'm not going anywhere and that things will be alright. I think I'll go read her one of her favorite stories and let her have some ice cream.

And the Walls Came Tumbling Down

That's how I feel right now, like all the walls of my life are tumbling down around me and there's not shit one I can do about it short of not taking that first mother fucking drink. Normally you won't read cursing on this blog but GDI I'm at my fucking wits end and feel like I'm spiraling out of control.

"Step 3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives our to the care of God as we understood Him."

I've done so for most of my life and I continue to do so. Doesn't seem to matter whether I'm drunk or sober because I'm drowning here and I don't see a rope. *glubglubglub*

Dreaming of Me

Last night I dreamed I died; someone had poisoned me. I checked the dream dictionary and it said that dreaming of your own death signifies symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. To dream that you consume poison, implies that you are introducing something into yourself that is harmful to your well-being. This may be feelings of bitterness, jealousy or other bad feelings that is consuming you. To dream that someone has betrayed you, indicates self-pity. You are feeling sorry for yourself.

Change? Self Discovery? Termination to bad habits? Self-pity? Naaaaahhhh. You don't say.

Tools for Tune-Ups

In my years of alcoholism I used booze as a tool to numb. I used it to settle myself when I'd had a bad day, to celebrate when I had a good day, to ease the boredom and frustration of yet another unemployed day, to loosen the tongue within crowds and situations I was uncomfortable in/with; my toolbox was pretty sparse.

When I made the decision to stop drinking, I was in a Personal Growth class at Mesa college. The professor, Mrs. Gonzalez was teaching us tools to become stronger students, learning in a more rewarding and helpful manner. One day she mentioned she taught another class and used a textbook called, "I Never Knew I had a Choice." I knew I had to take that class. If I didn't take any other one, this one, I knew, would be invaluable. I was right.

As the class has progressed, I've found my toolbox becoming more useful. It's filling up with all sorts of different ways I can handle situations. Instead of taking a drink when I'm frustrated, I choose to be mindful of each moment. It's exactly what they say in A.A., one step at a time. I don't have to numb, I have new tools to be aware, to experience, to feel and understand my discomforts. Where they come from, why they're there and what to do with them.

I still don't know what all the tools are for but it's nice to know that if something needs tweaking, there will be a tool for it that works much better than pouring booze on it and hoping it dissolves.

"God is the greyhound driver I am the passenger and the only baggage I need to take along today are the steps and the tools."

Hide and Seek

Hide and seek is a game I played fairly well as a child. It would seem that with years of practice I became a champ. Most friends I've shared my revelation with had no idea the extent of my drinking problem. Only 3 people had full disclosure; my mother, my partner and my best friend. These are people that know me most fully. I won't claim they know all there is to know because I've hidden many aspects of me from myself. These aspects have been pushed and buried so far down in my psyche that I am now having to seek them out.

Now, I am playing the biggest game of hide and seek with myself. So many hidden parts and I have to find them all. I'd rather leave some of them to rot in their hiding places but that's not the way the game is played. They'll come out eventually whether I like it or not.

You are all things. Denying, rejecting, judging or hiding from any aspect of your total being creates pain and results in a lack of wholeness. -Joy Page

I Was A Proud Member of the PTA

My friend and I used to joke about being proud members of the PTA-Part Time Alcoholics. I always found this funny but more so now that I've revoked my own membership. The thing about alcoholism is it's not part-time, it's a full-time commitment. There is no kind of in or kind of out, you're either fully vested or you're not. While I didn't drink around the clock, I did drink on a daily basis. The only time towards the end that I didn't drink was when I was too hungover to want a drink. Even then, there were days that I'd drink anyway, just to make myself feel "normal" again.

I tried to hold true to the motto of part-time. I tried to control my drinking. In the morning, I'd tell myself that I wouldn't drink that evening but evening would roll around and I'd find myself walking to the corner store for my fix. I'd try to buy "just enough" for that evening but I didn't want to run out, so I'd make sure I bought one or two more "just in case". If I had a couple leftover the next day I'd make sure that I went and bought "just enough" for that night as well. Heaven forbid I ran out before I had a sufficient buzz on.

My "medicine" of choice was light beer. I could drink it for hours without passing out. I didn't drink to get drunk, I drank to numb. Hard alcohol worked too quickly and I'd find myself passed out too early. Don't mistake me, I loved a well made martini. I felt sophisticated drinking them in social situations. Funny how perceptions work. I felt sophisticated, surely, but my actions were anything but. The particulars are for another time though.

Somewhere along the way I renewed my membership from PTA to FTA. I can't tell you exactly when or where, it was a quiet progression. Alcohol wove it's tendrils through my life, oh so slyly until it was fully woven into my very being. Again, I made promises to myself and to those closest to me to try and regain control but it was too late. I had succumbed.

There is a passage in Chapter 3 of the Big Book - More About Alcoholism, that spoke to me the first time I heard it. It made me laugh in it's total truth; I heard myself in those words:

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore non-alcoholic. If anyone, who is showing inability to control his drinking, can do the right-about­-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!

Here are some of the methods we have tried: drink­ing beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drink­ing during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums-we could increase the list ad infinitum.

I've always known I wasn't "normal" so what made me think I could ever drink like a "normal" person? Who needs normal anyway, I just need sobriety. Anyone for a cup of coffee?

Ending the Love Affair with Alcohol

Hi, my name's Lin and I'm an alcoholic. 30 years ago I took my first drink. I could tell you exactly what it was, where I was and who I was with but that's not important. What's important is that my love affair with alcohol started at 12 years of age and 3 decades later I decided to end the relationship. It's been 70 days since I've seen my partner in crime and I miss it. Not enough to visit it again but there's an empty space where it occupied my soul and I'm struggling with what to replace all that space with.

So, why am I blogging this? In A.A. they tell you to journal. I've long since given up on writing things down in paper form unless it's class work or notes to remind me of important dates and such. I'd much rather type it out if I can. I also hope that by putting it out there on the internet, perhaps someone struggling with their own addictions may stumble across this and be helped by what I share.

As the days pass, one day at a time, I will put to pixels my story of sobriety. I will tell my tale, my moment of clarity, when I realized it was time for me to say goodbye to Bud (light), Martin(i) and all the others I've loved over the years. I will share my A-HA moments, my Oh Shit moments and all the other moments in between. I leave you, dear readers, with this quote from the Big Book.


Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power - that One is God. May you find him now.
Alcoholics Anonymous - Page 58
CHAPTER 5 HOW IT WORKS