In my years of alcoholism I used booze as a tool to numb. I used it to settle myself when I'd had a bad day, to celebrate when I had a good day, to ease the boredom and frustration of yet another unemployed day, to loosen the tongue within crowds and situations I was uncomfortable in/with; my toolbox was pretty sparse.
When I made the decision to stop drinking, I was in a Personal Growth class at Mesa college. The professor, Mrs. Gonzalez was teaching us tools to become stronger students, learning in a more rewarding and helpful manner. One day she mentioned she taught another class and used a textbook called, "I Never Knew I had a Choice." I knew I had to take that class. If I didn't take any other one, this one, I knew, would be invaluable. I was right.
As the class has progressed, I've found my toolbox becoming more useful. It's filling up with all sorts of different ways I can handle situations. Instead of taking a drink when I'm frustrated, I choose to be mindful of each moment. It's exactly what they say in A.A., one step at a time. I don't have to numb, I have new tools to be aware, to experience, to feel and understand my discomforts. Where they come from, why they're there and what to do with them.
I still don't know what all the tools are for but it's nice to know that if something needs tweaking, there will be a tool for it that works much better than pouring booze on it and hoping it dissolves.
"God is the greyhound driver I am the passenger and the only baggage I need to take along today are the steps and the tools."
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