Good lord but my inner child has been having a fit lately. The harder things get in my life, the more that kid wants a drink. She doesn't want to feel the pain, anger, resentments and feeling of worthlessness. She doesn't want to be told, "No." All she wants is for all these things to go away, to hide in the veil of numbness. If she can't feel it, it's not real, right? Wrong.
It's still there, all of it, 30 years of bottled up and tamped down emotions and thoughts. Abandonment issues, self-worth issues, all the inadequacies from all the years that were never dealt with are coming to the surface and she's scared shitless. My alcoholism is like a shitty diaper, it stinks but it's warm and familiar and it's mine. I know it needs to be changed but I don't want the cold air to hit my ass.
It took years for the emotional wreckage to build up, I can't expect it to be taken care of overnight and yet that's exactly what I want. The only instant gratification I've ever been able to attain is the first swig of that cold elixir and that, little girl, is no longer an option.
I was told to visualize holding that little girl in my arms and reassure her that I'm not going anywhere and that things will be alright. I think I'll go read her one of her favorite stories and let her have some ice cream.
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