It's Been One Week

A week ago my best friend died after a short battle with cancer. Julia was a one of a kind woman with a depth of love to give. She was gracious, funny, witty, intelligent. She was beauty, light and love. She was Master of the Pun. She was sensitive and soft.

I was devastated when I got the call that morning and the only thing I wanted to do right then and there was drink. Drink to shut down, drink to numb, drink to check out. But I didn't, I haven't and hopefully I won't. I gave her the gift of my sobriety on her birthday and I know it would've hurt her to know I'd given up my sobriety because she passed away.

She was my champion, my confidante, my co conspirator. She was my Maddie.

Julia Hernandez
8/5/1964 - 9/8/2010

One Year and A Couple of Days

It's been 368 days since I made the decision to quit drinking. There were days I didn't think I'd make it. Days I didn't want to make it. Cravings so bad I could do nothing but curl into a ball and cry. I still miss being able to self medicate sometimes but those are fewer and farther between.

My mom gave me the token she got at one year plus one of my own and one with an angel on it. I can't even begin to share what it meant to me to have my mom give me that first token. She's waited a long time to see me get it. Said a lot of prayers that I'd finally come out of the pit of alcoholism and despair.

I took a couple more meaningful tokens from friends over the last couple of days. All are very special and I will give them to others when the time comes. It's all about giving back in this program.

Interpretations

As an alcoholic, sometimes I find it hard to interpret peoples' comments. I have an outfit I sometimes wear; black patent flats, tights, a plaid skirt and a turtleneck. I get many comments on this outfit, all centering around me looking like a school girl. At 43, I don't know whether to take this as a compliment or not. On the one hand, the tone people say it in sounds complimentary but on the other hand, my interpreter is broken and has been for a good couple of decades, if it was every working properly at all. I wonder if they're not complimenting me but actually mocking me and thinking, "Why is she wearing that? Doesn't she know looking like a school girl is ridiculous at her age?"

I dunno, I'm just pondering.

Step 3

3 meetings, all 3 with the same topic, the third step.

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

I'm not sure what the message behind it is but I'm open and listening.

"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him
- A.A. Big Book p.63

Playing with Fire

Talk about putting myself in a situation to test my sobriety; I went to a bar while I was in Chicago last week. Not one bar but two. To watch everyone around me drinking was oh so tempting but I held on to my ass and didn't throw away 11 months of sobriety. I wanted to so badly. The beer, the dirty martinis, the boisterous party atmosphere all contributed to tempting me. At one point I had to step out and call my sponsor. That helped me keep myself in check.

Speaking of fire, I smoked today. First time I bought a pack in over 3 months. It was either that or drink, so I chose the lesser of two evils. I gave the rest of the pack away to someone at a meeting though. I'll go back to the life of a non-smoker tomorrow. I won't go into what triggered it but it's been a rough couple of weeks, culminating in some memories I'd neatly locked away for years. It's rough because my sponsor is out of town and my mom is out of the country. And now I'm sitting here, after two meetings, listening to the serene (not) sounds of gunfire coming from Frank's pc while he plays APB. Oh joy.

Discontent

I have been very discontent lately. I have been edgy. I quit drinking, quit smoking, started watching what I eat and exercising. I'm edgy, cranky, moody and out of sorts. I know part of it is because I haven't been feeling well physically for several months. It's not one single thing but a compilation of several things. I do have a good medical group I'm with now though so I'm starting to get things taken care of a little at a time.

I know part of the anxiety I'm feeling is because it's rolling into Summer. The weather is warming up and the days are longer. I need to hit more meetings, I know this. I'm just having a very hard time trying to fit everything into a day. Work, workouts, meetings, home life. Other people are successful doing so, I know I can be too. It's just so hard sometimes. Wah Wah Wah. I know, cry me a river, right? Poor my. Not. Ppfffftttt.

Partial Amends

I made partial amends to F. tonight. I got honest with him about something I'd kept hidden all this time. I was so scared but I had to come clean and I did. He still loves me. He forgives me. I have not felt this relieved since I step fived with my sponsor. *exhales*