I Was A Proud Member of the PTA

My friend and I used to joke about being proud members of the PTA-Part Time Alcoholics. I always found this funny but more so now that I've revoked my own membership. The thing about alcoholism is it's not part-time, it's a full-time commitment. There is no kind of in or kind of out, you're either fully vested or you're not. While I didn't drink around the clock, I did drink on a daily basis. The only time towards the end that I didn't drink was when I was too hungover to want a drink. Even then, there were days that I'd drink anyway, just to make myself feel "normal" again.

I tried to hold true to the motto of part-time. I tried to control my drinking. In the morning, I'd tell myself that I wouldn't drink that evening but evening would roll around and I'd find myself walking to the corner store for my fix. I'd try to buy "just enough" for that evening but I didn't want to run out, so I'd make sure I bought one or two more "just in case". If I had a couple leftover the next day I'd make sure that I went and bought "just enough" for that night as well. Heaven forbid I ran out before I had a sufficient buzz on.

My "medicine" of choice was light beer. I could drink it for hours without passing out. I didn't drink to get drunk, I drank to numb. Hard alcohol worked too quickly and I'd find myself passed out too early. Don't mistake me, I loved a well made martini. I felt sophisticated drinking them in social situations. Funny how perceptions work. I felt sophisticated, surely, but my actions were anything but. The particulars are for another time though.

Somewhere along the way I renewed my membership from PTA to FTA. I can't tell you exactly when or where, it was a quiet progression. Alcohol wove it's tendrils through my life, oh so slyly until it was fully woven into my very being. Again, I made promises to myself and to those closest to me to try and regain control but it was too late. I had succumbed.

There is a passage in Chapter 3 of the Big Book - More About Alcoholism, that spoke to me the first time I heard it. It made me laugh in it's total truth; I heard myself in those words:

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore non-alcoholic. If anyone, who is showing inability to control his drinking, can do the right-about­-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!

Here are some of the methods we have tried: drink­ing beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drink­ing during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums-we could increase the list ad infinitum.

I've always known I wasn't "normal" so what made me think I could ever drink like a "normal" person? Who needs normal anyway, I just need sobriety. Anyone for a cup of coffee?