When To Say When

I had my last drink on August 4th, 2009. To the best of my recollection, it was at 10:30pm. I don't think I ever blogged that. My 90 days is this coming Monday. I never thought I'd see the day that I'd go 90 consecutive days without an alcoholic beverage of any kind. Go me!

If They Can Do It, So Can I

If others in the program have been able to go through things such as death, bankruptcy, homelessness, etc. and not take a drink, so can I. Today was one of those days where if I stayed in the house one more minute instead of hitting a meeting, I'd have torn this place apart looking for the booze my boyfriend keeps hidden. He's a normie and can go months without a drop. He does not self medicate, he does not need to have a drink when shit hits the fan. I, on the other hand, am having to learn how to deal with life on life's terms. So, instead, I hit a meeting, shared a burning desire, then came home and slept. It's all about actually dealing with things instead of stuffing them down deep in that hole and topping it off with booze to cap it.

Financial reasons set me into a tailspin but no amount of money is worth losing my sobriety over. As an alcoholic, I can stop drinking but that's not enough, I want to be sober. I want to stay sober. One day at a time.

Working My Way Back To Balance, One Giggle At A Time

The last few weeks have been really hard for me. So many things causing upset within me and around me. But today I giggled. I giggled and it felt so good. A true giggle, not a "heh", not a snide snicker but a true, mirthful giggle. Sometimes it's the smallest things that make me feel human again. Today was a good day.

Cranky McCrankster

I've changed my name for the day. I'm cranky as can be and while I don't have a desire to drink, I do have a desire to crawl out of my skin or do that transcendental meditation thing to take myself out of my body for just a bit. Feeling all sorts of meh and can't be arsed to go anywhere or do anything other than mold myself into the couch. I'm tired as hell and it's only 7:30pm

Nothing Grows In the Dark

I kept many parts of myself in the dark for so long, never letting them see the light of day. I didn't want to bring them into the light, it was safer in the dark. Safer for who? I'm not sure, really. Safer for those that thought they knew me? Safer for myself so as not to allow the negative parts of myself to grow? All I know is that, just for today, I choose to let the light in. Controlled growth. If I flood myself with light, surely I'll be overwhelmed and the brilliance will scorch the newly fledged sprouts of understanding that have only begun to break through the surface.

"We will want the good that is in us all, even in the worst of us, to flower and to grow." - As Bill Sees It pg. 10

The Inner Child and the Temper Tantrums

Good lord but my inner child has been having a fit lately. The harder things get in my life, the more that kid wants a drink. She doesn't want to feel the pain, anger, resentments and feeling of worthlessness. She doesn't want to be told, "No." All she wants is for all these things to go away, to hide in the veil of numbness. If she can't feel it, it's not real, right? Wrong.

It's still there, all of it, 30 years of bottled up and tamped down emotions and thoughts. Abandonment issues, self-worth issues, all the inadequacies from all the years that were never dealt with are coming to the surface and she's scared shitless. My alcoholism is like a shitty diaper, it stinks but it's warm and familiar and it's mine. I know it needs to be changed but I don't want the cold air to hit my ass.

It took years for the emotional wreckage to build up, I can't expect it to be taken care of overnight and yet that's exactly what I want. The only instant gratification I've ever been able to attain is the first swig of that cold elixir and that, little girl, is no longer an option.

I was told to visualize holding that little girl in my arms and reassure her that I'm not going anywhere and that things will be alright. I think I'll go read her one of her favorite stories and let her have some ice cream.

And the Walls Came Tumbling Down

That's how I feel right now, like all the walls of my life are tumbling down around me and there's not shit one I can do about it short of not taking that first mother fucking drink. Normally you won't read cursing on this blog but GDI I'm at my fucking wits end and feel like I'm spiraling out of control.

"Step 3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives our to the care of God as we understood Him."

I've done so for most of my life and I continue to do so. Doesn't seem to matter whether I'm drunk or sober because I'm drowning here and I don't see a rope. *glubglubglub*

Dreaming of Me

Last night I dreamed I died; someone had poisoned me. I checked the dream dictionary and it said that dreaming of your own death signifies symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. To dream that you consume poison, implies that you are introducing something into yourself that is harmful to your well-being. This may be feelings of bitterness, jealousy or other bad feelings that is consuming you. To dream that someone has betrayed you, indicates self-pity. You are feeling sorry for yourself.

Change? Self Discovery? Termination to bad habits? Self-pity? Naaaaahhhh. You don't say.

Tools for Tune-Ups

In my years of alcoholism I used booze as a tool to numb. I used it to settle myself when I'd had a bad day, to celebrate when I had a good day, to ease the boredom and frustration of yet another unemployed day, to loosen the tongue within crowds and situations I was uncomfortable in/with; my toolbox was pretty sparse.

When I made the decision to stop drinking, I was in a Personal Growth class at Mesa college. The professor, Mrs. Gonzalez was teaching us tools to become stronger students, learning in a more rewarding and helpful manner. One day she mentioned she taught another class and used a textbook called, "I Never Knew I had a Choice." I knew I had to take that class. If I didn't take any other one, this one, I knew, would be invaluable. I was right.

As the class has progressed, I've found my toolbox becoming more useful. It's filling up with all sorts of different ways I can handle situations. Instead of taking a drink when I'm frustrated, I choose to be mindful of each moment. It's exactly what they say in A.A., one step at a time. I don't have to numb, I have new tools to be aware, to experience, to feel and understand my discomforts. Where they come from, why they're there and what to do with them.

I still don't know what all the tools are for but it's nice to know that if something needs tweaking, there will be a tool for it that works much better than pouring booze on it and hoping it dissolves.

"God is the greyhound driver I am the passenger and the only baggage I need to take along today are the steps and the tools."

Hide and Seek

Hide and seek is a game I played fairly well as a child. It would seem that with years of practice I became a champ. Most friends I've shared my revelation with had no idea the extent of my drinking problem. Only 3 people had full disclosure; my mother, my partner and my best friend. These are people that know me most fully. I won't claim they know all there is to know because I've hidden many aspects of me from myself. These aspects have been pushed and buried so far down in my psyche that I am now having to seek them out.

Now, I am playing the biggest game of hide and seek with myself. So many hidden parts and I have to find them all. I'd rather leave some of them to rot in their hiding places but that's not the way the game is played. They'll come out eventually whether I like it or not.

You are all things. Denying, rejecting, judging or hiding from any aspect of your total being creates pain and results in a lack of wholeness. -Joy Page

I Was A Proud Member of the PTA

My friend and I used to joke about being proud members of the PTA-Part Time Alcoholics. I always found this funny but more so now that I've revoked my own membership. The thing about alcoholism is it's not part-time, it's a full-time commitment. There is no kind of in or kind of out, you're either fully vested or you're not. While I didn't drink around the clock, I did drink on a daily basis. The only time towards the end that I didn't drink was when I was too hungover to want a drink. Even then, there were days that I'd drink anyway, just to make myself feel "normal" again.

I tried to hold true to the motto of part-time. I tried to control my drinking. In the morning, I'd tell myself that I wouldn't drink that evening but evening would roll around and I'd find myself walking to the corner store for my fix. I'd try to buy "just enough" for that evening but I didn't want to run out, so I'd make sure I bought one or two more "just in case". If I had a couple leftover the next day I'd make sure that I went and bought "just enough" for that night as well. Heaven forbid I ran out before I had a sufficient buzz on.

My "medicine" of choice was light beer. I could drink it for hours without passing out. I didn't drink to get drunk, I drank to numb. Hard alcohol worked too quickly and I'd find myself passed out too early. Don't mistake me, I loved a well made martini. I felt sophisticated drinking them in social situations. Funny how perceptions work. I felt sophisticated, surely, but my actions were anything but. The particulars are for another time though.

Somewhere along the way I renewed my membership from PTA to FTA. I can't tell you exactly when or where, it was a quiet progression. Alcohol wove it's tendrils through my life, oh so slyly until it was fully woven into my very being. Again, I made promises to myself and to those closest to me to try and regain control but it was too late. I had succumbed.

There is a passage in Chapter 3 of the Big Book - More About Alcoholism, that spoke to me the first time I heard it. It made me laugh in it's total truth; I heard myself in those words:

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore non-alcoholic. If anyone, who is showing inability to control his drinking, can do the right-about­-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!

Here are some of the methods we have tried: drink­ing beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drink­ing during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums-we could increase the list ad infinitum.

I've always known I wasn't "normal" so what made me think I could ever drink like a "normal" person? Who needs normal anyway, I just need sobriety. Anyone for a cup of coffee?

Ending the Love Affair with Alcohol

Hi, my name's Lin and I'm an alcoholic. 30 years ago I took my first drink. I could tell you exactly what it was, where I was and who I was with but that's not important. What's important is that my love affair with alcohol started at 12 years of age and 3 decades later I decided to end the relationship. It's been 70 days since I've seen my partner in crime and I miss it. Not enough to visit it again but there's an empty space where it occupied my soul and I'm struggling with what to replace all that space with.

So, why am I blogging this? In A.A. they tell you to journal. I've long since given up on writing things down in paper form unless it's class work or notes to remind me of important dates and such. I'd much rather type it out if I can. I also hope that by putting it out there on the internet, perhaps someone struggling with their own addictions may stumble across this and be helped by what I share.

As the days pass, one day at a time, I will put to pixels my story of sobriety. I will tell my tale, my moment of clarity, when I realized it was time for me to say goodbye to Bud (light), Martin(i) and all the others I've loved over the years. I will share my A-HA moments, my Oh Shit moments and all the other moments in between. I leave you, dear readers, with this quote from the Big Book.


Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power - that One is God. May you find him now.
Alcoholics Anonymous - Page 58
CHAPTER 5 HOW IT WORKS