It's Been One Week

A week ago my best friend died after a short battle with cancer. Julia was a one of a kind woman with a depth of love to give. She was gracious, funny, witty, intelligent. She was beauty, light and love. She was Master of the Pun. She was sensitive and soft.

I was devastated when I got the call that morning and the only thing I wanted to do right then and there was drink. Drink to shut down, drink to numb, drink to check out. But I didn't, I haven't and hopefully I won't. I gave her the gift of my sobriety on her birthday and I know it would've hurt her to know I'd given up my sobriety because she passed away.

She was my champion, my confidante, my co conspirator. She was my Maddie.

Julia Hernandez
8/5/1964 - 9/8/2010

One Year and A Couple of Days

It's been 368 days since I made the decision to quit drinking. There were days I didn't think I'd make it. Days I didn't want to make it. Cravings so bad I could do nothing but curl into a ball and cry. I still miss being able to self medicate sometimes but those are fewer and farther between.

My mom gave me the token she got at one year plus one of my own and one with an angel on it. I can't even begin to share what it meant to me to have my mom give me that first token. She's waited a long time to see me get it. Said a lot of prayers that I'd finally come out of the pit of alcoholism and despair.

I took a couple more meaningful tokens from friends over the last couple of days. All are very special and I will give them to others when the time comes. It's all about giving back in this program.

Interpretations

As an alcoholic, sometimes I find it hard to interpret peoples' comments. I have an outfit I sometimes wear; black patent flats, tights, a plaid skirt and a turtleneck. I get many comments on this outfit, all centering around me looking like a school girl. At 43, I don't know whether to take this as a compliment or not. On the one hand, the tone people say it in sounds complimentary but on the other hand, my interpreter is broken and has been for a good couple of decades, if it was every working properly at all. I wonder if they're not complimenting me but actually mocking me and thinking, "Why is she wearing that? Doesn't she know looking like a school girl is ridiculous at her age?"

I dunno, I'm just pondering.

Step 3

3 meetings, all 3 with the same topic, the third step.

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

I'm not sure what the message behind it is but I'm open and listening.

"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him
- A.A. Big Book p.63

Playing with Fire

Talk about putting myself in a situation to test my sobriety; I went to a bar while I was in Chicago last week. Not one bar but two. To watch everyone around me drinking was oh so tempting but I held on to my ass and didn't throw away 11 months of sobriety. I wanted to so badly. The beer, the dirty martinis, the boisterous party atmosphere all contributed to tempting me. At one point I had to step out and call my sponsor. That helped me keep myself in check.

Speaking of fire, I smoked today. First time I bought a pack in over 3 months. It was either that or drink, so I chose the lesser of two evils. I gave the rest of the pack away to someone at a meeting though. I'll go back to the life of a non-smoker tomorrow. I won't go into what triggered it but it's been a rough couple of weeks, culminating in some memories I'd neatly locked away for years. It's rough because my sponsor is out of town and my mom is out of the country. And now I'm sitting here, after two meetings, listening to the serene (not) sounds of gunfire coming from Frank's pc while he plays APB. Oh joy.

Discontent

I have been very discontent lately. I have been edgy. I quit drinking, quit smoking, started watching what I eat and exercising. I'm edgy, cranky, moody and out of sorts. I know part of it is because I haven't been feeling well physically for several months. It's not one single thing but a compilation of several things. I do have a good medical group I'm with now though so I'm starting to get things taken care of a little at a time.

I know part of the anxiety I'm feeling is because it's rolling into Summer. The weather is warming up and the days are longer. I need to hit more meetings, I know this. I'm just having a very hard time trying to fit everything into a day. Work, workouts, meetings, home life. Other people are successful doing so, I know I can be too. It's just so hard sometimes. Wah Wah Wah. I know, cry me a river, right? Poor my. Not. Ppfffftttt.

Partial Amends

I made partial amends to F. tonight. I got honest with him about something I'd kept hidden all this time. I was so scared but I had to come clean and I did. He still loves me. He forgives me. I have not felt this relieved since I step fived with my sponsor. *exhales*

It's Like Giving Birth!

It's been nine months of sobriety today. I feel like I'm giving birth to the new me. Isn't it wonderful? Why yes, yes it is.

Already?

In 6 days I'll take my 9 month token. I can't believe it. Sometimes I think I've changed a lot, sometimes I don't think I've changed much at all. I still feel like a 13 year old but more and more, I'm starting to feel more my age which is a good thing and a bad one too. The aches and pains of my age suck.

Dear God...

thank you for another day without the desire for a drink and without breaking down and smoking a cigarette.

Non-smoker for 2 weeks

Sorry I've been remiss in following up with this blog. I've been holding onto my ass trying to quit smoking. It has not been easy nor has the weight fairy been kind in flying past me. Bitch hit me hard with her Wand of Weight and it sucks. 10 pounds in two weeks is neither aesthetically pleasing nor is it the least bit comfortable. And before you go into the whole, "It's temporary" or "It's worth it" shpeal save it. 14 days is not enough to get me out of the cranky stage. My throat is constantly dry, my pants are too tight, I'm always peckish and I'm not sleeping all that great.

I know this blog is primarily about my alcohol addiction but it works about the same for my nicotene addiction as well. So, if you'll all excuse me, I'll be over here beating, biting or eating myself through another day without a smoke.

I'm A Glutton for Punishment

I quit smoking yesterday. I had my last cigarette around midnight on 4/2. I was going to wait till I hit my 1 year sobriety date but I'm just so fed up with smoking I didn't want to wait any longer. For F and I, we spend between $250 and $300 a month. That's outrageous! So, it's time to let go of my last addiction.

I'm glad I have the tools from AA to use during this time. If I just ride the waves, they'll pass. Deep breathing helps too. Tootsie pops are helpful. I gave myself the weekend to eat what I want as much as I want but that's over tonight. I did pack a bag of carrots and I'll probably journal instead of idle time to be thinking of cigarettes. I'll keep ya'll informed.

On another note, tomorrow is my 8th month of sobriety. :)

Belly Button Birthday

It's my belly button birthday. That's the day you're born as opposed to your AA birthday, the day you're reborn. It's another first. I can't remember the last birthday I spent sober. It's another first in a year of firsts and I'm ok with that.

Reaping the Rewards

I never realized how my drinking affected those closest to me. I didn't realize how much it took away from my quality of life; how much I was missing. Over the last few months, the veil has been lifted, a little at a time.

F and I have been together for years now but until I stopped drinking, it didn't occur to me that we were never truly connected. We've been through a lot and managed to keep the relationship afloat but it didn't flourish. He hid online, I hid in my bottle. We kept secrets from each other, lied to ourselves and each other. We pretended that things were good. They were ok but now I know that it can be so much better, so much more and it is.

We're both enjoying the benefits of my sobriety. He gets all of me now, not just the shell of me. I'm not saying it's all sunshine and roses but it's a heck of a lot better than it ever was. I'd like to think he's happier with me than he has been at any other time. I know I'm happier with him. I love our life together.

Thanks for sticking with me through this process, F. I wouldn't be the same without you.

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times

It's been 7 months and I'm so grateful for being able to make it this long without a drink. I'm glad I'm sober and have my head on straight because, let me tell you, if I didn't, I'd be on one hell of a bender right now. But everything happens when it's supposed to happen. I have to believe this or I'll go insane.
Someone I love is sick right now. Really really sick. And it's worse than was originally thought. I need to be sober to deal with it. I need to stay sober for her. She needs to know that she can call me anytime, day or night, and I'll be fully there for her. It's not all about me, it's all about her. I gave her the gift of my sobriety and damned if I'll take it away from her now, when she needs me most.
She's given me so much, it's the least I can do in return.

I will be here for you, sister. All of me for all of you.

Ode to the Alcoholic

The walk of the boozer, the thoughts of the lush
The drinker lost in the swirl of liquid amnesia
Forever without hope, for always without solace
From the torment placed on self
The emptiness, the hole so deep and lightless

The sickness of soul, the numbing of mind
The veil of deception, so thin, so heavy
Mask torn from the eyes, see the darkness
Fill it with light and promises of hope
Full promises, not empty

Not alone, no despair, sanity
Freedom from addiction, peace of mind
Peace of heart and soul, found in support
From one to another, no need to suffer
Linked hands, linked hearts, unity in sobriety

-Lin Giles 2010

Alcohol is Cunning, Baffling, Powerful...

...they forgot to mention patient. As much time as you think you have, it has more. It waits for you to lower your guard and then it comes knocking at your brain.

I've been under a bit of stress lately what with full-time work, school and several close friends getting sick. I'm not talking, cold or flu sick, I'm talking fighting for life sick. It's got me feeling helpless, as there's nothing I can tangibly do for them. I cannot fly to them and hug them. I cannot make them well. All I can do is support them and give encouraging words and support. I know that means a lot but it still leaves me feeling helpless. And when I feel helpless, out of control, I start thinking about taking a drink to shut those feelings down. And all the while, the alcohol waits patiently.

I pray for the strength to make it through another day without reaching for a bottle. I pray for Him to fill my heart with love and my mouth with His words. I will not pray for patience, I know what happens when that prayer is answered, more is heaped on my shoulders.

Today, I will not drink. Alcohol can wait yet another day.

Spare Time and How To Fill It Without A Drink

So, work, school, sleeping, and meetings are a few ways I stay occupied but what about the rest of the time?

When I drank, my time was occupied and when it wasn't, I didn't care. Now I'm aware and awake and there's only so much I have to fill my time with. Books? Read 'em. Video games? Play them. Phone calls? There's only so much I have to say at any given time.

I need to find a hobby. My problem with this is that I get bored very easily. I always have but even moreso now. I also hate the time it takes to learn how to do the hobby du jour. I'm thinking about learning how to knit. What if all I can come up with is a long string and nothing more? Or I get as far as a pot holder and then it becomes like all the other hobbies I've tried to take up over the years; a single needle in a box (I've lost the other one somewhere along the way) and a ball of yarn the cats have adopted as a play toy.

Excuse me while I go ponder the universe that is my navel.

Step 4

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

This one's been hard. I've been struggling with it for over a month but about a week ago I finally met with my sponsor to go over the list I'd made of those I'd felt had wronged me and the part I played in those wrongs.

I found a common theme in all of them. I felt abandoned. I felt disconnected. I accepted my part by realizing I withheld myself from those I thought had kept something from me. "That'd teach them."

While what they did truly did hurt me, I have to accept my part in it. There are always two sides and I've got to be accountable if I'm ever going to be able to move past these wrongs done me, forgive both the others and myself, and heal.