Still Sick. Not Fun.

So, here it is, over a week later and I'm still sick. I haven't been to a meeting in over a week and it's driving me crazy. I don't want to spread my germs though and I don't want to be coughing through the whole meeting, interrupting people's shares. I really wish this would pass so I could get to feeling better again.

This Is Getting Old

I got another "thanks but no thanks" email. They loved me but not enough to hire me. F my life. The only thing positive that I can take from this is that I'm sober and can actually deal with it. Doesn't make it any more palatable though.

I Am Sick. We Are Moving.

So, I never heard back from either interview and cannot bank on it. We did, however, manage to get the one bedroom apt we were looking at and that's a good thing. I'm going to miss this place though, it's been a real home. We have 5 days do get everything packed and 5 days to move everything out. Whee. Ugh.

I'm also in the grip of a hellacious cold. I just sneezed and I think I pinched something in my neck. Ow. Ow. Ow. Through all the turmoil, no drink. That's a blessing in and of itself. I will now crawl back into the cave of covers from whence I came.

A Small Ray of Hope

I've been on two interviews this week. This has given me a glimmer of hope that our living situation will not have to change and my home will stay my home. For someone who's not supposed to make any drastic changes in the first year of sobriety, I'm sure having to make a lot of them regardless.

I know I'm not cured and things will not change overnight but I'm learning, slowly but surely, to trust in my higher power and need to believe that right now I'm where I'm supposed to be. No one said I had to like it, only that I had to go through it. Without a drink.

I'm exhausted, I do believe I'll try to get some sleep now. Hopefully, this will be a good night's rest as the last several have been less then restorative.

We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Alcoholics Anonymous - pg. 85

Is This Thing On?

I hate not having control. HATE IT! I keep praying. Not for patience because I have been shown over and over again what comes with that answered prayer. I pray for my ears and eyes to be open for the signs that are being given to me. I pray for a still tongue when I feel I'll say something untoward. I pray for another day without breaking down and taking that first drink. I say a prayer of thanks every night for another day sober.

I'd just really like for my life to be a little less stress filled and a little more peaceful. Please, Lord, can I have some stability back in my life?

Know God; know peace.
No God; no peace.

Will You Sponsor Me?

No, I'm not doing a walk-a-thon. I'm talking about A.A. sponsorship.

When you come into the rooms of A.A. they tell you over and over to get a sponsor and work the steps. I knew from my mom's own involvement in the program that sponsorship is crucial. Within the first 2 weeks of my sobriety I got myself a sponsor. She was a nice enough lady but there just wasn't a connection with her. We tried to work together for awhile but we just couldn't really mesh. I prayed about finding the right sponsor for me and heard in my heart, "listen." So, I did. I listened to other women share their stories in my home meeting and others. I watched how they interacted with others. And one day, I just knew I'd found her, my sponsor.

There were so many parallels between us, so many commonalities. She was also nurturing, supportive and had a great sense of humor. She had what I wanted in her sobriety and so, I asked those 5 words that open us up to all the vulnerability many of us so desperately fear will bring on rejection, "Will you be my sponsor?" I didn't have to wait for a reply, "Yes, of course I'll be your sponsor!" What a relief! What a blessing!

In just a couple of weeks, we've been able to work up to Step 4. This one's a bit slow going but we've accomplished more together in less time than I was in the whole time I was with my first sponsor. I respect her, enjoy her company and coming to love her. Just one more great gift I've been given in my path of sobriety.

They Say Not to Make Any Major Decisions

In AA, they advise a newcomer not to make any major decisions for at least a year. Now, while that's fantastic in theory, in practicality, it doesn't always work.

When I took my blinders off, I was already enrolled for college courses, actively looking for a job and trying to repair my relationship. I'm still in college, I still don't have a job and we're still working on our relationship. Now, we're having to move on top of everything because we need to cut costs somewhere and rent is a huge one.

I'm looking at a place today that has one less bedroom but has upgrades to everything, including a dishwasher, built in microwave, granite countertops, stainless steel appliances AND a stacked washer/dryer. The rent will be $300 dollars less and they allow pets. Not only that but the property has a pool and a workout room.

So, while this is a major change, it does seem that it could very well be a positive one. Today is a positive day. How can it not be? I've chosen not to drink for today. I'll leave you, dear readers, with the following Daily Reflection.

Taking Action - One of the most important things A.A. has given me, in addition to freedom from booze, is the ability to "take right action." It says the promises will always materialize if I work for them. Fantasizing about them, debating them, preaching about them and faking them just won't work. I'll remain a miserable, rationalizing dry drunk.By taking action and working the Twelve Steps in all my affairs, I'll have a life beyond my wildest dreams. - Page 54

Stressors-Apt Hunting, Job Hunting and the Hunt for Pain Relief

So, still no job but I did have an interview last Friday. I know it went well but there are so many people out of work right now, there's bound to be at least a couple others that interviewed well.

Because of the lack of income, we're searching for apts. to downsize into. Either they're run down, too small, out of our price range or don't take pets. I know we're going to have to compromise on something but dang it, I don't want to. If we have to move, I want all my needs to be met. Bleh.

I've been having a lot of fibro flare-ups lately and I'm sure they're due to the crazy amounts of stress I've been under. My doc wants me on a particular med but there's no way I can afford 40 a month and that's AFTER co-pay. I did go and get a massage yesterday to see if I could get a little relief but,while relaxing, didn't really help.

I also didn't get more than one meeting in this week and that's a bad thing. I need at least 3 a week to keep my tank full. This week I'll make sure to hit at least 3 if not more.

90 Day Token

I took my 90 day token yesterday at my home meeting. My sponsor presented it to me and my mom was there to share in the day. There were so many tokens given yesterday, it was incredible. 30, 60, 90s and one 6 year. So much sobriety within those 4 walls. So much hope, gratitude and support. My worst day sober is still infinitely better than my best day drunk and for that reason alone, I have the strength and the courage to stay sober another day.

Running Into Your Ex: AWKWARD!

Frank and I went to the market yesterday to pick up some stuff for dinner. We walked in the door and almost immediately came face to face with Bud. That jerk was just standing there, all dressed in blue and silver, looking all enticing. I whispered, "I miss you." as we walked by and Frank responded, "No you don't." and steered me away and into the vegetable section. We headed down another aisle and there he was again! Damn, he's persistent! I looked straight at him and told him off, "I'm over you, Bud! Leave me alone!" And I walked away with a haughty little swish and a toss of my hair. Hrmph. Take that!

What Is This Feeling?!

Omg, I'm in a good mood!! Like, seriously! Not an ok mood. Not a decent mood. I'm in a seriously good mood! I'm dancing, singing, being silly, smiling, and laughing. Can I get a hallelujah? No? Ok, a YAY will work too!

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

- First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes