Interpretations

As an alcoholic, sometimes I find it hard to interpret peoples' comments. I have an outfit I sometimes wear; black patent flats, tights, a plaid skirt and a turtleneck. I get many comments on this outfit, all centering around me looking like a school girl. At 43, I don't know whether to take this as a compliment or not. On the one hand, the tone people say it in sounds complimentary but on the other hand, my interpreter is broken and has been for a good couple of decades, if it was every working properly at all. I wonder if they're not complimenting me but actually mocking me and thinking, "Why is she wearing that? Doesn't she know looking like a school girl is ridiculous at her age?"

I dunno, I'm just pondering.

Step 3

3 meetings, all 3 with the same topic, the third step.

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

I'm not sure what the message behind it is but I'm open and listening.

"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him
- A.A. Big Book p.63

Playing with Fire

Talk about putting myself in a situation to test my sobriety; I went to a bar while I was in Chicago last week. Not one bar but two. To watch everyone around me drinking was oh so tempting but I held on to my ass and didn't throw away 11 months of sobriety. I wanted to so badly. The beer, the dirty martinis, the boisterous party atmosphere all contributed to tempting me. At one point I had to step out and call my sponsor. That helped me keep myself in check.

Speaking of fire, I smoked today. First time I bought a pack in over 3 months. It was either that or drink, so I chose the lesser of two evils. I gave the rest of the pack away to someone at a meeting though. I'll go back to the life of a non-smoker tomorrow. I won't go into what triggered it but it's been a rough couple of weeks, culminating in some memories I'd neatly locked away for years. It's rough because my sponsor is out of town and my mom is out of the country. And now I'm sitting here, after two meetings, listening to the serene (not) sounds of gunfire coming from Frank's pc while he plays APB. Oh joy.