Spare Time and How To Fill It Without A Drink

So, work, school, sleeping, and meetings are a few ways I stay occupied but what about the rest of the time?

When I drank, my time was occupied and when it wasn't, I didn't care. Now I'm aware and awake and there's only so much I have to fill my time with. Books? Read 'em. Video games? Play them. Phone calls? There's only so much I have to say at any given time.

I need to find a hobby. My problem with this is that I get bored very easily. I always have but even moreso now. I also hate the time it takes to learn how to do the hobby du jour. I'm thinking about learning how to knit. What if all I can come up with is a long string and nothing more? Or I get as far as a pot holder and then it becomes like all the other hobbies I've tried to take up over the years; a single needle in a box (I've lost the other one somewhere along the way) and a ball of yarn the cats have adopted as a play toy.

Excuse me while I go ponder the universe that is my navel.

Step 4

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

This one's been hard. I've been struggling with it for over a month but about a week ago I finally met with my sponsor to go over the list I'd made of those I'd felt had wronged me and the part I played in those wrongs.

I found a common theme in all of them. I felt abandoned. I felt disconnected. I accepted my part by realizing I withheld myself from those I thought had kept something from me. "That'd teach them."

While what they did truly did hurt me, I have to accept my part in it. There are always two sides and I've got to be accountable if I'm ever going to be able to move past these wrongs done me, forgive both the others and myself, and heal.

Holidays and Hangovers

Holidays are a time for many to celebrate with toasts of champagne, eggnog and other alcoholic beverages. A hot coffee with choice of flavored liqueurs. Mimosas in the morning. Mulled wines, hot ciders and toddies. I could go on and on with the different holiday beverages but that's not really the point I'm trying to get to.

My point is, this year is the first holiday season where I've been sober. It's left me feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin. I go to meetings but it doesn't seem to be having any kind of calming effect on me. I feel like I'm floundering, I don't seem to have a very good anchor point right now. I don't feel settled in my home environment. I don't feel settled in my new job, for obvious reasons. Come on, it's new. Duh. I just don't feel settled, period.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not unhappy, perse, I'm just feeling adrift. I hope it ebbs after the holidays.

Working In A Coal Mine

Ok, so it's not a coal mine but I got a job! Finally! I've been unemployed for a year and a half so I'm extremely excited to be joining the work force once again. The only downside to this is the fact I won't be able to make my home meetings on Wednesdays anymore. This saddens me but I am so grateful for those ladies in my life and I'm so humbled by them. It was the very first meeting I walked into when I decided to get sober and it's where I met my sponsor. Time to look for more evening meetings.

THE RULES FOR BEING HUMAN

My professor sent this to me and I'd like to share it with you:


When you were born, you didn’t come with an owner’s manual; you had to learn the rules the hard way. These rules are intended to help make your life easier.

YOU WILL RECEIVE A BODY. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around. It is the only thing you really own or are guaranteed to keep for your whole life.

YOU WILL LEARN LESSONS. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called “Life on Planet Earth.” Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant or stupid.

THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, ONLY LESSONS. Growth is a process of experimentation – trial and error. The so-called “failed experiments” are as much a part of the growth process as the experiment that ultimately “works.”

A LESSON WILL BE REPEATED UNTIL LEARNED. It will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you’ve learned it, you then go on to the next lesson. If you don’t learn the easy lessons, they become harder. You will know you’ve learned a lesson when your actions change.

LEARNING LESSONS DOES NOT END. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. Every person, every incident is the Universal Teacher. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned and your life is eternal.

“THERE” IS NO BETTER THAN “HERE.” Nothing leads to happiness. When your “THERE” has become a “HERE,” you will simply obtain another “there” that again looks better than “here.”

OTHERS ARE MERELY MIRRORS OF YOU. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate in yourself.

WHAT YOU CREATE OF YOUR LIFE IS UP TO YOU. You have all the tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. There are three kinds of people. Those that make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened. Take charge of your life or someone else will.

YOUR ANSWERS ARE INSIDE YOU. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

YOU WILL TEND TO FORGET ALL THIS.

- Dan Millman, The Peaceful Warrior

Moved In and Connected

Finally! We've been in the process of moving and trying to find a place for everything we've accumulated in the last few years from a 2 room to a 1 room place. On top of all that, we've had cable issues and I was sick for almost a month. Add a torn ligament in my hip as the cherry and you have one craptastic sundae.

Class is almost over and I do believe I'm going to be able to hold steady to my 4.0 GPA. I've really enjoyed this professor and I'm sad to see it come to an end for now. I can't afford Spring sessions and I really need to focus all my time on finding a job and getting my ass to meetings.

That's been hard as well without any money as it hinders my ability to get gas to make it to meetings. I hit my 4 month mark on Dec. 5th. Yay and boo. Yay for staying with it for 4 months, the longest I've ever gone in my drinking career without a drink. Boo because I really really wanted one during the stress of the move and the consequent depression that came along with having to move out of the place we called home for 3 years. It would've been so much worse trying to make these life changes if I'd been drinking though and for that I'm grateful to have my sobriety.

Still Sick. Not Fun.

So, here it is, over a week later and I'm still sick. I haven't been to a meeting in over a week and it's driving me crazy. I don't want to spread my germs though and I don't want to be coughing through the whole meeting, interrupting people's shares. I really wish this would pass so I could get to feeling better again.