Already?

In 6 days I'll take my 9 month token. I can't believe it. Sometimes I think I've changed a lot, sometimes I don't think I've changed much at all. I still feel like a 13 year old but more and more, I'm starting to feel more my age which is a good thing and a bad one too. The aches and pains of my age suck.

Dear God...

thank you for another day without the desire for a drink and without breaking down and smoking a cigarette.

Non-smoker for 2 weeks

Sorry I've been remiss in following up with this blog. I've been holding onto my ass trying to quit smoking. It has not been easy nor has the weight fairy been kind in flying past me. Bitch hit me hard with her Wand of Weight and it sucks. 10 pounds in two weeks is neither aesthetically pleasing nor is it the least bit comfortable. And before you go into the whole, "It's temporary" or "It's worth it" shpeal save it. 14 days is not enough to get me out of the cranky stage. My throat is constantly dry, my pants are too tight, I'm always peckish and I'm not sleeping all that great.

I know this blog is primarily about my alcohol addiction but it works about the same for my nicotene addiction as well. So, if you'll all excuse me, I'll be over here beating, biting or eating myself through another day without a smoke.

I'm A Glutton for Punishment

I quit smoking yesterday. I had my last cigarette around midnight on 4/2. I was going to wait till I hit my 1 year sobriety date but I'm just so fed up with smoking I didn't want to wait any longer. For F and I, we spend between $250 and $300 a month. That's outrageous! So, it's time to let go of my last addiction.

I'm glad I have the tools from AA to use during this time. If I just ride the waves, they'll pass. Deep breathing helps too. Tootsie pops are helpful. I gave myself the weekend to eat what I want as much as I want but that's over tonight. I did pack a bag of carrots and I'll probably journal instead of idle time to be thinking of cigarettes. I'll keep ya'll informed.

On another note, tomorrow is my 8th month of sobriety. :)

Belly Button Birthday

It's my belly button birthday. That's the day you're born as opposed to your AA birthday, the day you're reborn. It's another first. I can't remember the last birthday I spent sober. It's another first in a year of firsts and I'm ok with that.

Reaping the Rewards

I never realized how my drinking affected those closest to me. I didn't realize how much it took away from my quality of life; how much I was missing. Over the last few months, the veil has been lifted, a little at a time.

F and I have been together for years now but until I stopped drinking, it didn't occur to me that we were never truly connected. We've been through a lot and managed to keep the relationship afloat but it didn't flourish. He hid online, I hid in my bottle. We kept secrets from each other, lied to ourselves and each other. We pretended that things were good. They were ok but now I know that it can be so much better, so much more and it is.

We're both enjoying the benefits of my sobriety. He gets all of me now, not just the shell of me. I'm not saying it's all sunshine and roses but it's a heck of a lot better than it ever was. I'd like to think he's happier with me than he has been at any other time. I know I'm happier with him. I love our life together.

Thanks for sticking with me through this process, F. I wouldn't be the same without you.

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times

It's been 7 months and I'm so grateful for being able to make it this long without a drink. I'm glad I'm sober and have my head on straight because, let me tell you, if I didn't, I'd be on one hell of a bender right now. But everything happens when it's supposed to happen. I have to believe this or I'll go insane.
Someone I love is sick right now. Really really sick. And it's worse than was originally thought. I need to be sober to deal with it. I need to stay sober for her. She needs to know that she can call me anytime, day or night, and I'll be fully there for her. It's not all about me, it's all about her. I gave her the gift of my sobriety and damned if I'll take it away from her now, when she needs me most.
She's given me so much, it's the least I can do in return.

I will be here for you, sister. All of me for all of you.